


Not Supposed to Lie

by Im_going_insane_so_I_write



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I need help, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Please Don't Hate Me, Remus is a good brother, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, a bit of virgil angst, depresso, everyone is sad, i project onto characters i love, im really sad, im sad, logan angst too, more will be added i swear, please comment, roommate au, s a d, smol roman angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 8,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23331352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_going_insane_so_I_write/pseuds/Im_going_insane_so_I_write
Summary: Patton has been hiding some things from the others. But Logan stays up late one night studying, and hears crying from Patton's room. He decides to see what's up and stuff happens.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 104
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Trigger warning: Self harm, suicide attempts, angsty stuff

Patton was on the floor of his bedroom, crying. There was a small blade on the floor in front of him, blood on it and the floor, coming from cuts on his legs. They weren't the only ones on him. His leg was a gallery of scars and scabs, and his other leg was in a similar condition. He knew that at this point in time, even Virgil would be asleep, so he let himself sob openly, instead of muffling his cries in a pillow. He reached for the towel he had nearby and started to wipe up the blood on the floor, when he heard a knock. He froze, eyes wide.

"Patton? Are you alright?" Logan asked, frowning to himself. 

"I'm fine!" Came a shaky voice, Patton's voice. Patton silently begged that Logan wouldn't open the door and see him sitting there, wearing his old cardigan and boxers with cuts all over his thighs. His wish wasn't granted. The door opened, it hadn't been locked in the first place so there was no resistance. Patton wished he had locked it. Guilt hit him like a brick as Logan processed what was going on in the room.

"Patton..?" Logan asked, eyes wide, mouth slightly ajar. He walked over to Patton, then fell to his knees. "Oh my god... There's so much blood... Patton, why would you do this to yourself?"


	2. I'm so sorry

Patton sniffed. "Logie, I'm so sorry you had to see this... Just go to your room a-and try to forget it..." Logan shook his head. He was in pajamas the others hadn't seen before, gray sweatpants and a dark blue sweatshirt. His pants were ruined, since he had put his knees in some of the blood thoughtlessly.

"I can't just forget this, Patton! This is you, being in pain, being upset and hiding it from us!"

"Please don't tell the others, I'm begging you, don't tell them. I don't want to see anyone hurt because of me, I don't want to see another person with your reaction." Patton begged, sentences barely making sense since he was breaking down. Tears were falling, and fast. Logan hesitated before hugging Patton gently, afraid to hurt him.

"I won't tell them, but you need to give me the blade, and let me treat the cuts a-and clean the blood." Logan said, trying to hide the emotion creeping into his voice. Patton just gave in and nodded, pointing out the blade with a gesture. Logan picked it up and put it into his pocket, then left for a moment. He came back with no blade and a first aid kit. He began to tend to the wounds on Patton's leg, feeling bad about Patton's whimpers as he disinfected the cuts. He wrapped them up, then picked up Patton and put him to the side of the pool of blood. He handed Patton sweatpants that were in his drawers, then cleaned the pool of blood as Patton put on the sweats, glad to cover his scabs and scars. Logan soon finished cleaning the blood. He came over to Patton and picked him up. Patton leaned into Logan, relaxing slightly. "Patton, can you sleep in my room tonight so I know you're safe? You can sleep on my bed, I can take the floor."

"I can't take your bed..."

"I'm not letting you sleep on the floor."

"F-fine, I'll take the bed. Thank you for letting me. Th-thank you for even being worried."

"Of course."


	3. I don't know chapter names so uh, I'm really gay and sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a roommate au, forgot to mention it ;-;

The next morning, Patton woke up in Logan's bed. He saw Logan resting on the floor, looking calm. He smiled softly, then sat up. He winced, leg sore from his cuts. He stood up and quickly rushed to his room, limping slightly. He changed into his normal blue shirt, but put his cat hoodie on over it. He kept the sweatpants on and headed downstairs quickly to make breakfast for his roommates. Virgil was already down there. He narrowed his eyes when he saw Patton wearing the hoodie and not having it tied around his shoulders. Patton smiled. "Hey there kiddo! How did you sleep?" He asked. Virgil shrugged and looked down at his phone.

Patton flinched slightly. 'Wow, even he doesn't want to talk to you, and I thought he liked you... what am I saying, no one likes you.' A little voice in Patton's head whispered to him. It was just his insecurities, he knew it. But it hurt to think about. Patton went to the fridge and pulled out the stuff for pancakes, humming.

"Pancakes again?" Virgil asked. Patton perceived it as annoyance.

"I don't have to make pancakes. I can do something else! French toast, or waffles, or-"

"I think I'll just have cereal." Virgil said. Patton went quiet and nodded, putting the ingredients away. He knew Virgil wasn't trying to be rude, it was just him, just Patton being ridiculous and internalizing things. The stairs creaked and Logan came down. When he saw Patton looking in the fridge, he smiled. 

"Hey Patton, what's for breakfast?" Logan asked, knowing Patton loved to bake and cook. Patton looked at him, eyes watering slightly.

"Uh, cereal and fruit and stuff I guess. Not in the mood to make pancakes or anything, a bit too tired." Patton said softly. Logan's eyes narrowed. Something was up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> virgil is my small anxious child, he just woke up, i swear he isn't mean in this fic


	4. im a disaster gay and cant make titles

Patton left the kitchen without eating, but everyone was too distracted to notice. Everyone but Logan, who frowned and stood to follow Patton, worried about his friend. Patton went up to his room and was about to close his door when Logan stuck his foot in to stop it. 

"Patton. Why didn't you eat?" Logan asked, brow furrowed. Patton sat on his bed, pulling up his hood. "Patton, please talk to me."

"I don't eat very often, never have." Patton whispered. Logan frowned and left the room. Patton curled up on his bed, crying softly, thinking he had scared Logan away. But a few minutes later, the door opened again and Logan was standing there with a bowl of cereal. Not too much, since he had factored in the fact it would likely be hard for Patton to eat a normal serving size. Logan walked over and put the bowl on Patton's nightstand. He sat down on Patton's bed, next to his curled up form. He gently rubbed Patton's back through the hoodie. 

"Patton, please just eat this one bowl of cereal. It isn't too much, and it's your favorite kind..." Logan said, voice shaking ever so slightly. Patton turned to look at Logan.

"I want to believe this is real, I want to believe this isn't pity, but I can't, I can't, because there's no reason that you would actually care about me, that anyone would care about me it's been drilled into my head enough and I'm not stupid enough to forget it. So I'll eat the cereal, but then I'll go on a walk to clear my head, and I don't want company.' Patton said. Logan's eyes were wide, and filled with pain. But he hid it and nodded. Logan took a shaky breath.

"Can I at least sit here to make sure you eat..?" He asked softly. Patton nodded and started to eat the cereal.


	5. the author is projecting onto patton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide attempt, strong language

After Patton finished eating his cereal, he stood up and walked out of his room briskly, ignoring Logan completely. He grabbed his phone on his way out, then started walking down the street barefoot. He didn't care how the pebbles dug into his feet, he was used to pain. He only walked about a mile before the got to the point he was heading. He sat on the edge of the tall bridge, looking at the rocky stream below. He pulled out his phone. It was time for goodbyes.

Virgil screamed. Roman and Logan looked at him in shock. He was already crying, and he was trying to say something. Then Roman's phone buzzed. He looked at it. "Oh fuck." He dropped his phone and ran to put on shoes and get the car started. Logan looked at his phone, to see a text from Patton.

From: Padre  
Hey kiddo. Sorry about this. I'm going to be dead in abut ten minutes. I always was afraid of heights, so I need to get myself ready. Goodbye.

Logan put down Roman's phone and looked at Virgil's, which had a similar message, but it was reminding him to take care of himself more than Roman's did. Logan put on his shoes and got into the car with Roman, who then pulled out, Virgil still in the kitchen sobbing. Logan told Roman one of the places Patton liked most. They got there in a few minutes, and halfway there, Logan's phone buzzed.

From: Patton  
Hey, I know this will make you sad. I'm sorry. But it all hurts too much. Remember to sleep sometimes, and give your brain a break.

When they got to the location, Patton wasn't there. Logan had a sudden realization. "This isn't the place, Patton's favorite sightseeing spot is a mile from our place, go go go! It's a bridge, uh..." He put the name of it into his phone's GPS and the directions came up on screen. Logan told them to Roman. 

Patton sighed and took off his hoodie. It was his favorite, and he didn't want it to be covered in blood when he died. So he was standing there in the long sleeved blue shirt that had replaces his polo a while back. Then he heard a car. It stopped, doors slammed. He heard shouting and looked over. Roman looked desperate, but Logan, he looked broken. Logan didn't show feelings, he felt like if he hid them, then people will respect him more. But here he was, crying his eyes out. He was running over. He was never athletic, but he was faster than Roman. Patton knew it was now or never. There was no way he could wait a moment more. He moved to the edge of the bridge and stuck out his arms, closing his eyes tight as he started to lean forward. Then, there were arms around his torso and he was sprawled on the bridge, a sobbing Logan next to him.

Roman came over and knelt down. "Patton, you can't do this. Let's go home. We need to get back to Virgil, he's panicking."

Patton fucking snapped. He was done. "Then go back and leave me here to die!"

Roman frowned. "Hell no!"

Patton started to cry. "Why not, why can't I just die, why is the world against me..." He said. He sat up. He was so done with everything. "Just let me die..."

"N-no!" Said a voice. It was familiar, but something was off. Patton looked over and realized it was Logan. Logan, reduced to a crying mess, stuttering, begging Patton to please not jump. "P-patton, please..."


	6. in which the author once again projects onto Patton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self harm, panic attacks, strong language, sad

Patton was back at the house. He didn't quite remember how he got there, but he did. Virgil was sobbing and clinging to him, begging him to never leave again, telling him he didn't know. Patton sighed. "I don't get what all of this is about. I'm fine." He said.

"You aren't." Logan said with a huff. 

"Yeah? Prove i-" Logan pushed up one of Patton's sleeves, exposing an arm covered in cuts.

"There's my proof. Or do I need to bring up what I walked into last night, too?"

Virgil frowned. "Logan, what did you walk in on?"

Logan sighed. "I had the misfortune of walking in on Patton... hurting himself."

Virgil gave Logan a glare. "You saw this and didn't think to tell us? We wouldn't be in this situation if you had just told us!"

"He told me not to, and I'm not about to betray Patton's trust!"

"What's more important, his opinion of you or his life?"

"Well how in hell was I supposed to guess that he wanted to kill himself?"

"Usually people do, when they cut themselves!"

"Really? Because I don't want to kill myself and yet here I am!" Logan's hand flew to cover his mouth as his friends looked at him, shocked. Then Roman tried to laugh.

"Logan, buddy, that implies that you cut yourself.."

"I am fully aware of what I implied..." He whispered, then walked off. Patton's heart dropped and he spoke up for the first time in a few minutes.

"Guys... I'm sorry." He said. He didn't have the heart to tell them that last night he had accidentally added to the amount of things Logan could use in order to hurt himself.


	7. mmmm i cant sleep, please leave a comment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you guys leave comments it gives me more motivation to write  
> also TW self harm, panic attacks, pain, sadness, past sexual harassment, past bullying, past abuse

Logan was in his room with the door locked, a frown on his face as he disinfected his new cuts. He winced at the terrible sting, but didn't make a single noise. He got bandages and wrapped his arm, then pulled his sleeve back down. He put away all of his things in their designated places in his room. Everything had a place. None of the others had been in his room, but it was organized. Very organized. Everything was labeled if you couldn't see what it was, and his bed was made army-style. Nothing was on the floor. He even had a cloth to cut over, so he didn't make a mess. If any of the others had come in, even once, they would have known everything. He had a drawer labeled 'Failures' that was stuffed to the brim, orderliness forgotten there. Below that was a drawer labeled, 'First Aid' and below that was 'Self Harm Tools.' He sat in the middle of his room now, empty as he stared at the floor. Or he wished he was empty. His mind was flooded with images of Patton, smiling and laughing and crying and his desperate face back at the bridge. Logan let out a choked sob, then covered his mouth. One more image was prevalent in his mind. The look on Patton's face when he realized that Logan hurt himself.

Patton was quiet as Virgil rolled up his sleeves, wincing slightly at the gasps from his two close friends. Roman had first aid supplies from the bathroom, as they figured that he would need his cuts treated. Roman knew the most between him and Virgil. His movements as he cleaned and wrapped Patton's arms were swift and practiced, as if he had done this a thousand times before. His brow was furrowed in concentration until he was done.

"There. Now, Padre, can you talk to us about what's going on with you? Or are you going to keep it to yourself? Either is fine, we're just worried.." Roman mumbled, looking at the supplies as he put them back into the box they had come from. Virgil wasn't shaking anymore, but he was still leaning onto Roman. Roman was a bit ink from the contact, but no one noticed. They were both focused more on Patton, and Patton was very focused on the design of the couch blanket. He let out a shaky breath, then spoke.

"It... isn't your fault, any of you. And it isn't my parents' fault either. They gave me the world, and they supported me i-in everything. I felt more comfortable in skirts, so they got me skirts. I'm gay, and they were supportive. They let me be a feminine gay boy, and it was great, except for at school. I learned early on to keep my mouth shut and to wear things the other boys wore. When I was only 8, I'd be coming home covered in bruises from the older kids who thought a boy wearing a skirt was the most horrendous thing that anyone could ever imagine. Middle school was all death threats. I started hurting myself, and stopped wearing skirts. My comfort was secondary to my safety, at this point. Freshman year, I attempted suicide th-the first time... My parents were devastated. They got me medicine and a therapist, and things were better for a while. But I stopped taking my meds and faked my smile, I hurt myself more and more and then something happened junior year. I found a guy I liked, and he told me he liked me too and we... went all the way. I didn't notice the camera. That weekend, he broke up with me and by Monday everyone at the school had seen me, all of me. My scars and all. And I attempted again. My parents moved to a new state, just wanting to get me away from all of it, and then senior year of high school, I met you guys. But I have a really bad dating past. All my boyfriends have hurt me in some way. So... I just never got a chance to fully heal. And here we are, and everything has just been getting worse..." He finished and looked down, up, anywhere to avoid there gazes for a few moments, then he heard a sob. Virgil was crying.

"You should have told us you had all of this to deal with, that kind of thing isn't easy... My ex treated me terribly, I can imagine what you went through was similar at least once. Please, talk to me, to Roman... To Logan..."

"Speaking of Logan," Roman piped up, "where is he?" Patton froze.

'He confiscated my blades yesterday, oh my god...' Patton thought. 'He could use them on himself..'

"I'll go check on him." Virgil said softly. "Patton, you need to rest, even if you do want to go check on him. I'll come back and tell you how he's feeling, just try to calm down..." Patton nodded, though he felt the only way he could calm down was a hug from all of his friends.

Logan was calmer now, and getting ready to go down and face the others. When he opened his bedroom door, he saw Virgil there about to knock. Virgil sighed.

"Patton is worried about you. Come on, let's go see him." Virgil said softly, still in denial that any of this was happening and even more in denial that Logan would ever hurt himself. He seemed the least likely to do so, after Patton. Or he did yesterday. But that was yesterday and today is today, and now they all knew things they hadn't before, and knew some things they wished they didn't as well. It seemed, to a certain extent, everyone in the small house had been broken. All except Roman. How lucky is that..? Being the only one who is okay in the entire house? Because he was okay. Right? Right..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its so long  
> please leave a comment!!


	8. im severely depressed and need help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> self harm, general sadness, angst, strong language

Roman sat with Patton, quiet as Virgil and Logan arrived downstairs. Patton looked up and he stood, legs shaking. Logan walked over and hugged Patton gently.

"I'm so sorry I walked off Patton... I was overwhelmed and needed time to myse-"

"Show me your arms, now." Patton said softly, cutting off Logan. Logan looked stunned and shook his head. Patton furrowed his brow. "That tells me a lot. If there was nothing there, you would let me see.." Logan looked down and away, dropping his arms. He no longer held Patton in an embrace, and the look on his face made it clear he felt hurt. Roman and Virgil looked at Logan, also worried.

"Fine. But know I take proper care of myself, I make sure that they don't get infected..." He rolled up his sleeves, showing the bandages. There were a few spots where blood had started to soak through. "I also studied, so I am not going to die as a result of this. It is simply a punishment for my countless failures."

"What failures..?" Roman asked.

"The fact Patton is depressed is just another example of a failure. I couldn't help him."

"It isn't even your fault." Roman said, looking somewhat... mad. "It's just stuff from high school hurting him still."

"Yes well trust me when I say there are many other things I have done wrong and I have failed at. This is just a way to make sure I get what I deserve. Such as extra for actually crying in front of you both.." Virgil looked shocked at Logan's words and afraid. Roman's face went dark.

"You think you have gone through failure? I was always too fu-" He paused to cover Patton's ears so he wouldn't hear the cussing. "Too fucking scared to ever step in the way when my brother got hurt, and now he hangs out with some dick named Damien and they go to jail every other month!" Virgil flinched at the name Damien, but was staying quiet.

"Roman, I am greatly apologetic that you couldn't help your brother more, but you don't know much about me so please stop acting as if you do." Logan said softly. He looked up at them and the pain was obvious on his face, for a moment. "I think I'm going to step out. I came down thinking my presence was wanted, but clearly it isn't." He turned to leave, posture upright as always. At the same time, Roman stormed out the front door, saying something about needing a bit to cool off that no one really heard, all distracted by other things, not a single one thinking about Roman. Not that it was unusual. He slammed the door shut just as some shouted Logan's name.

"Logan!" Logan turned when he heard the voice, then suddenly felt arms around his waist. "Logan I want you here, you help me calm down... You know those breathing exercises...." When Logan hugged Patton back, he felt the same wave of concern wash through him that had quite a few times that day. It felt strange, like Patton himself both worried and calmed him. He wanted to protect him, that he knew.

"...I still am not sure that I am wanted here, Patton..." Logan mumbled. Patton held him tighter, and Logan flushed pink ever so slightly. "I guess I will stay..."

Logan and Patton were so focused on each other, the concern intense and constant as they started talking, that they didn't even notice when Virgil walked upstairs. Virgil went to his room and locked the door, then dialed a number. A few rings, then a voice.

"What do you want, Virgil?"

"Hello to you too, Damien..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please keep in mind that if this is bad or doesnt make sense it is after 1 am and im tired


	9. in which the author doesnt know if hes laughing or crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw  
> past abuse, self harm, depresso, harsh language, verbal abuse, damien is deceit, deceit is an assface

"So, why did you call me?" Damien asked, clearly irritated.

"I wanted to talk..." Virgil said, softly.

"What, are you crawling back to me? I should've known you would. How long has it been? Three years? And yet you still call me up whenever something goes wrong or you make a mistake, because you know that I'm the only person who will ever really love you, because you're terrible."

"Sh-"

"Oh, don't you fucking dare talk over me you fucking worthless piece of shit. Why the fuck did you call me, Virgil? I thought you'd moved on. Haven't you? Or are you still hung up over me?" Damien said. Virgil was quiet. In all honesty, he was afraid of relationships now after what Damien had done to him. He still had scars from Damien's drunk nights with glass bottles, mental pain from all of the insults he heard. Virgil did have feelings for someone, not that he thought he would ever be able to admit them to someone other than himself, let alone have hope his feelings were reciprocated. 

"Goodbye, Damien." He said softly, then hung up and cried.

Logan finally let go of Patton after a few minutes, sighing. "I'm sorry I upset you, Patton. That's the exact opposite of what I want to do." He said softly.

"It's okay. I'm more worried than anything. I don't want you to be in pain. I really don't. We've been friends for what, five years..? It's our last year of college and I... I hate the fact that you've been hiding p-pain from me for so long..."

"I comprehend that and even feel the same way. I want you to know you can talk to me, Patton. When I'm around you, I feel better, happier, and I want you to feel happy around me too. I want you to feel happy in general..."

"Lo..?"

"Yes, Patton?"

"I... N-never mind..."

"No, you can talk to me Patton. What is it?"

"You'll hate me if I tell you, Lo. You weren't here when I explained some things to the others... I was bullied a lot as a kid because of being a feminine gay boy, and other people who I had feelings for were disgusted and made my life a living hell or never talked to me again and I can't have that happen with you!" Patton was near tears now. He always had cried easily. Logan took a moment to comprehend what Patton just said, then it dawned on him.

"You have feelings for me..?"

"Y-yeah, I do..." Patton whispered, then wiped his eyes. Logan felt something strange when he heard this, something he hadn't felt much before. It was those butterflies that people spoke about, flitting around his stomach. Blood rushed to his cheeks, but even a genius doesn't understand everything. He thought this was normal when someone confessed a crush. He didn't understand he felt the same. He wasn't even sure what love felt like. So he said something, lying without meaning to.

"I do not feel the same. Apologies, Patton." Patton's face fell when he heard what Logan said and the tears started to fall. 

"I-it's fine, Logan, you can't control your feelings. I understand if you don't want to be friends anymo-"

"No!" He said, voice showing the slightest bit of desperation. "No, no, no, I want to be your friend." Five words almost slipped from his mouth, making his eyes widen. He realized in that moment. 'I want to be more.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment, it makes me so happy when there are comments ^^


	10. logie did an oopsie, roman is depresso, and remus will help deceit become a better person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> mentions of past abuse, awkward gays, self harm mentions, r o m a n a n g s t
> 
> Also im sorry i made Dee so mean, I love him a ton and I have plans to make him better.

Roman was at a nearby park, sitting on a bench with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was crying, causing passer-bys to give him weird looks. He thought about everything that had happened in the past day and felt terrible. All of his friends had gone through so much worse, but here he was, the one crying outside. He didn't even know what Logan or Virgil had gone through, but it had to be worse than what he went through because what he went through was nothing, he should be fine, he shouldn't be as broken as he was. He wanted to let out a sob, but was already disturbing the peaceful park. He bit down on his lip instead, hard, until he tasted blood. It brought back memories, and he tried to block them out, tried to ignore them because it was nothing compared to what the others went through, right? Right? He had no reason to be upset about anything. After all, his dad never hit him _that _hard.__


	11. i might cry but thats just fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> mentions of past abuse, self harm, awkward gays, mention of select mutism

Roman had his hands over his ears and his eyes shut tight when Virgil finally found him. He was on a bench, and his face was scrunched up. He was crying quietly, clearly not okay. Virgil sat beside him and spoke, voice soft.

"Ro..?" Roman jumped slightly when Virgil spoke, then looked at him.

"V-virgil? Why are you here? You should be at home. I'm sorry I blew up at you three, I was just frustrated and tired a-and..." Roman started bawling, not even bothering to try and hold back his sobs this time. Virgil's eyes widened and he hugged Roman, not knowing anything else he could do. "You guys have gone through so much, so much worse than anything I've gone through... Wh-when Logan said he was a failure... I... I'm so much more of a failure than he ever has been and ever will be, and if he's a failure, then what does that make me? The boy who couldn't protect his brother from a few slaps, who couldn't protect himself, the boy who refused to talk to anyone because he had the thought that his ideas were worth _shit _beaten out of him, the boy who did nothing but take all of the insults, the abuse, everything thrown at him, and barely ever said a single word, who never complained about anything."__

__Virgil's eyes went wide. "Wh-what..? You... who did you have to protect you and your brother from, Roman?" He asked, starting to bounce his leg as he got anxious. Roman looked at him, still crying, looking helpless and empty and numb to the fact as his lips moved to answer Virgil's question._ _

__"My parents."_ _


	12. i cant sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw  
> mentions of past abuse, general angst, mentions of self harm, substance use

Logan had turned on a Disney movie for him and Patton. Roman and Virgil weren't in the house, but Patton had stayed on the couch and therefore didn't notice, and Logan didn't want him to worry. Now, Logan had red dusting his cheeks as a sleeping Patton cuddled close to him. Logan looked up when he heard the door open, and saw Roman and Virgil. He took a moment to process what was happening because Roman was wearing Virgil's hoodie, hood up, and Virgil had his hair up in a tiny ponytail. He looked worried as he quietly led Roman across the room and up the stairs. Logan was surprised and quiet, worried about his two friends. But he stayed quiet as to not wake Patton.

\---------------------

Virgil quickly got Roman up the stairs and to his room, knowing Roman couldn't hold in his sobs much longer and didn't want the others to see him cry. As soon as the door shut, he went back to crying, clinging to Virgil.

"Virgil, please don't tell them, they'll treat me different. I'm fine, just... upset." Roman said. Virgil had checked his arms for self harm or scars and they were clean, to Virgil'd relief. Roman had never hurt himself. Virgil was sure that Roman wasn't at risk if the others didn't know, so he nodded in agreement. He didn't want to scare Roman away.

"Ro, I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. About anything. About your parents or otherwise. I. Am. Here. For. You."

\----------------------

Damien sighed and took a drag from his cigarette. He wasn't in a good mood after talking to Virgil. He felt terrible for being so mean, but he didn't want Virgil to try and come back, he knew Virgil wasn't happy with him. He distanced himself from Virgil and now had someone else to spend time with, his new best friend. Who was kind of crazy, but that was okay.

"Remus, what should we do tonight..?" He asked softly. "I'm bored." Remus' face lit up.

"Maybe, instead of causing trouble tonight, we can order some take out and watch movies. You seem stressed, and stress sucks." Remus said, causing Damien to smile ever so slightly.

"Sounds good to me. What kind of food should we get, though? Pizza, Chinese, sushi..?" He asked.

"You and I both know we can only afford pizza." Remus said, smirking playfully. "So I'm going to have to say pizza has my vote." After an hour or so, they were on their ratty old couch watching bad horror movies and eating pizza, looking happy.

\----------------------

Patton was dreaming. But he didn't know that. He didn't know it was a dream as he saw his friends tell him to die, to leave them alone. Then he saw Logan, face full of hate and despise that he knew deep down Logan would never direct at him. Dream Logan began to speak, voice sharp and cold and cruel, every word like a dagger through Patton's heart.

"I wish you could stop messing things up for once, but no, you can't even die right." Patton felt a sharp pain in his chest.

Patton woke up suddenly, causing Logan to freak out as well. 

"Logie, please, no, don't hate me..!" Patton was begging, tears on his cheeks, not yet realizing his dream had ended.

"Hey, I could never hate you, what are you talking about?" Logan asked, concern obvious on his face. He took Patton's hands into his when he remembered that Patton could hurt himself with only his fingernails. Patton looked at him.

"S-so it was just a dream..?" Patton asked. Logan sighed.

"I do not know what you're talking about, but if it implied that I dislike you in the slightest, then it is wrong." Logan said, then smiled softly. "Now, do you want to watch another movie..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment! When i see comments, I feel more inspired to write :D  
> also I'm falling asleep as i write, so sorry if it doesn't make sense


	13. i think that emile is smarter than logan, ask me why if youre wondering lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw  
> panic attack

Virgil woke up in the dead of night, alone in his bed. He had set up a little bed for Roman on the floor with a spare mattress, since Roman hadn't wanted to be alone. Roman wasn't there. Virgil shot up out of bed and went over to the bathroom, knocking. There wasn't the sound of breathing inside though, and the lights were off. He checked Roman's room, but it was empty. He rushed downstairs and that's when he heard the crying. It was soft, but the sound was so tortured, so ruined, it echoed through Virgil's brain.

"Roman?" Virgil called out softly. The crying stopped for a moment, then came back with a vengeance. Virgil followed the noise and found Roman, tears rushing down his face, knees pulled to his chest, head hidden between his legs. His breath was fast and shallow, and Roman was shaking slightly. Virgil swore softly, not knowing how to help. in the moment, all of the coping mechanics for panic attacks slipped his mind. Virgil started to slightly panic himself, but tried to keep it under control as he pulled out his phone. He knew one person who could help. He dialed the number and waited for him to pick up. And he did, on the fourth ring.

"Virgil..? It's so late why are you calling me..." Came a tired, half asleep voice.

"Emile, you're a therapist, right? What are some coping mechanisms for panic attacks? R-roman is having a panic attack and I don't know what to do..."

"Okay first, you take some deep breaths to calm down." Emile said, clearly more alert after hearing there was something going on. Virgil did so.

"Okay, I-I'm calmer..."

"Good, now ask him to do box breathing with you. Four seconds inhale, hold for four, exhale for four, and hold for four again. Got it?"

"Ro, can you inhale with me for four seconds..?" Virgil asked. Roman nodded, inhaling slowly, with Virgil.

"Okay, good." Said Emile.

"Emile, why are you on the phone, I want cuddles." Said someone in the background on Emile's side. 

"Give me a minute, Remy." Emile said away from the phone. Virgil had gotten Roman to do the box breathing with him, and Roman had calmed down a bit by then. Emile spoke again, into the phone this time. "Alright, has he calmed down at all?"

"A bit." Virgil said softly. Roman continued the breathing, and calmed down after a few minutes. "Okay, thank you, he's calm now." 

"No problem Virgil. Do you want to bring him over to my place tomorrow? I don't have work, and I could talk with him. For free, since you and I are friends."

"I think I might take you up on that offer."

"Awesome. Night, Virgil. Please actually sleep tonight."

"I will."

''Bye."

"Bye." Virgil said, then hung up. Roman stood on shaky legs.

"I'm so sorry I made you worried, and made you have to wake up your friend..." Roman said softly.

"Hey, it's okay. Next time, please wake me up and talk to me."

"I'll try to remember to do that. Now, let's go back upstairs and sleep. It is really late." 

"Okay." Virgil said. The two walked upstairs together and into Virgil's room. Virgil sat on his bed. "You sure you're alright..?"

"Yeah. I... I do have one question though..." Roman mumbled the last part, looking away out of embarrassment.

"What is it?"

"Can I sleep with you?" Roman asked. Virgil turned dark red, his mind far down in the gutter. Roman noticed his face. "O-oh no! Not like that! I just meant can we cuddle tonight or just sleep in the same bed, because I'd just feel more safe with someone next to me..."

"Y-yeah, no problem Princey." Virgil whispered, still blushing. He laid down and moved over so there was room for Roman. Roman got into the bed and cuddled close to Virgil, causing the poor boy to go red once more. Roman didn't notice though, asleep after only few minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment!!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff!!

Virgil woke up with Roman in his arms. Once he processed the situation, he turned bright red. He didn't want to disturb Roman, but also didn't want Roman to see what position they were in. 

"R-ro, wake up..." He squeaked out. Roman's eyes fluttered open and he looked at Virgil, then realization struck. He blushed softly.

"Wow Emo Nightmare, you're all over me." He said with a wink, smiling. Virgil scoffed and pushed Roman away, face hot.

"Oh quiet, Sir Sing a Lot." Virgil huffed. 

"No wait, I want cuddles!" Roman said, pouting. Virgil blushed slightly.

"From me? Why?"

"You're just comfy. Now come here and give me cuddles."

"O-o-okay." Virgil did just that, and the two of them cuddled for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it isnt longer, i just got some bad news


	15. logan must be sad too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> nightmares

Logan got up and wandered the house. It was cold, dark, and something was off. He kept walking, wandering, wondering where his friends were in the house. He tried to call out, but his voice, it was gone. He realized he couldn't see right, and soon discovered it was because his glasses weren't on. He started to panic, to fall to his knees, but he couldn't feel the impact as he hit the floor. He couldn't see, he couldn't feel, there was nothing to hear and he couldn't make any noise. He couldn't use his trusty sensory grounding technique because most of his senses just weren't working, so he just gave in and let the creeping darkness overtake him.  
\-----------  
Logan woke up in a cold sweat, eyes wide open and glasses still on his face. He shook his head slightly. It couldn't be. He hadn't had that nightmare in years, not since... Logan looked around him, and realized he had done something else he hadn't done in ages. Sleepwalked. He was on the floor in the kitchen, and his head hurt slightly. He sighed and stood up, legs quivering. He felt something warm and wet on his cheek, and when he wiped it away, found that it was water. He looked up, but there was no leak. His brow furrowed, then he noticed that his vision was blurred. He shot his hands up and felt his glasses there, so why was his vision blurred? What was the noise coming out of him, sounding so tortured and hurt? He hadn't cried in so long, he hadn't _noticed _that he had if he had, so he couldn't recognize what was happening. So he called out, and this time, he made noise.__

__"Help!" Everyone woke up at the sound of the shout, and all started rushing to it's origin. Virgil and Roman had stumbled over each other, just barely having fallen back asleep from their previous interaction, but Patton had no one in his way. He got there first. It was early morning, around 7:30, and he saw something he had never seen. Logan wasn't just crying. Logan was on the ground, full on sobbing, looking scared and confused and alone. Patton felt his heart break as he sat down in front of Logan._ _

__"Logan, I'm right here, you're okay, why are you crying..?" He asked, worried._ _

__"I-I'm crying..?" Came Logan's soft reply. "I'm sorry..."_ _

__"You don't need to apologize... When did you get down here, Lo?"_ _

__"I don't know... I woke up here..."_ _

__"That's okay. Here, do you want a hug?"_ _

__"P-please..." Logan mumbled. He felt himself get enveloped in Patton's arms, the hug warm and calming. He smiled softly and relaxed. This was nice. Not like what **she** would do to him if he cried.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment


	16. i want to help you all ;-;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> mentions of past bullying, mentions of self harm, self harm, mentions of past sexual harassment and abuse

Logan felt safe in Patton's arms, and finally let himself cry. He sobbed into Patton's shoulder for a bit. When Virgil and Roman finally got downstairs, that's what they found. Patton tightly hugging a sobbing Logan, a look of slight shock on his face as his logical friend broke down in his arms. Patton was shaking slightly. He had no idea what Logan had been through, no idea in the slightest.

"Hey, Logan, can you show me your arms..?" Patton said softly, wanting to make sure that Logan hadn't hurt himself during his breakdown. Logan was too exhausted to do anything other than comply, so he pulled up his sleeves to show his bandaged arms. Patton took off the bandages slowly, then gasped when they were off. Tens of thin, deep cuts lined his arms, but they were cleaned and treated and healing. Scarring on his arms made it clear that he'd been doing this for a while. "Oh Logan... When was the last time you did this to yourself..?"

"Yesterday..." He mumbled softly. "But it isn't bad, because I take care of them, I'm being safe...." Patton gasped at the words, Logan's mindset breaking his heart. Virgil had run away as soon as he saw the bandages, not ready to see that another of his friends was broken. Roman had followed him out of concern. So now it was just Patton and Logan.

"L-logan, who told you that th-this would be alright if you cleaned the cuts? Logan, this is n-never something you should do-"

"You do it too. At least I actually take care of my cuts, make sure I don't die from infection!" Logan snapped

"D-d-don't yell at me! I'm trying to help you, Logan!" Patton said. Yelling made him remember high school, and middle school, and everything that had happened to him.

"Well you aren't helping me when you try to kill yourself!" 

"Th-the way you're a-a-a-acting right now, I'd think you would wa-want me to!" Patton said, tears in his eyes. Logan looked at him, shocked, and shook his head rapidly.

"Patton, no.... I don't want you dead... You're amazing, I... You don't get how important you are to me. We've been friends for how long? Since senior year of high school?"

"Y-yeah...."

"And I've had this huge, stupid, gay crush on you since day one, Patt."

"Wh-wh-what?!" Patton squeaked, blushing a soft pink.

"I don't want you dead, not at all. Patton, I want to keep you safe and protect you and make sure you're happy, Patton. I want you to be able to see how wonderful you a-" Patton cut Logan off with a soft kiss, then pulled away after only a moment.

"Logan... I... I feel the same, okay..? I like you a ton, b-but... could we even really do this? I'm suicidal, you cut yourself... I don't even know what happened to you as a child..."

"A teacher saw me and thought I was a really, really attractive eight year old boy." Logan said, voice shaking softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, gals, and non-binary pals, I just wanted to remind you all that I'm here for you, and so are others. Please reach out. I've been in the same place some of you are in right now. I get those bad thoughts sometimes too. But this isn't something we need to deal with alone.  
> my email: i.am.always.here.for.you.always@gmail.com  
> suicide hotline (america): 1-800-273-8255  
> beyond blue anxiety, depression, and suicide support (australia): 1300 22 4636  
> trans lifeline (us + canada): 1-877-330-6366


	17. i have so much love to give and very few people to give it to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> mentions of past sexual abuse

"Oh my god." Patton said softly. "Why didn't you tell me, or Virgil or Roman or any of us, Logan?"

"Because the teacher moved to whatever school I attended and was still there senior year and I was still dealing with her and you and Roman were my only friends at the time and you didn't need more stress than you had. Besides, I was used to it at that point. There's no use in trying to get the police involved, she'll just say I'm lying. And who would believe a teacher would spend ten years of her young life touching some unattractive teenage boy?"

"First of all, we have to contact the police so she doesn't do this to anyone else. Also, you are not unattractive, you are so hot I can't even handle it, but now is not time for a conversation about you're beauty, it's time for you to finally get everything off your chest. You can tell me what she did to you, however much you want to tell." Patton said. Logan nodded and took a deep breath, then began to speak.

"It started on the first day of third grade... I was the smartest in the class, and had to get special attention from teachers because of it. It took a bit to notice the glances at my body, the touches to m-my thighs... I asked her about it after school one day, when I had chess club, and she got up, locked the door, closed the blinds and told me I was a very special boy... That was the day I lost my virginity... I begged her not to do anything to me, she didn't listen. She did it whenever I was supposed to stay in for recess for whatever reason or stay after school or any time she had me alone, and it was terrible. I hate her. One time, when I was a freshman in high school, I really fought back. I pushed her away and screamed for help, but when someone came into the classroom they thought I attacked her. I got suspended, she stopped me from being expelled, and I realized that no one would ever help me with the problem, and just to keep it to myself." Logan finished talking, not wanting to talk about it more. There was plenty more to talk about though. He closed his eyes, thinking of what she would do whenever he would cry. He remembered clear as day. At the moment, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders by telling Patton, who pulled him into a tight hug.

"Oh Logan, I'm so sorry this happened to you... I'm so sorry..." Patton mumbled. He hugged Logan, and the two of them had their moment, thinking of how they would help each other, thinking of how much they liked each other, and most of all, how happy they were to be in the other's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really tired ;-;   
> my email: i.am.always.here.for.you.always@gmail.com  
> suicide hotline (america): 1-800-273-8255  
> beyond blue anxiety, depression, and suicide support (australia): 1300 22 4636  
> trans lifeline (us + canada): 1-877-330-6366


	18. i have 8 overdue assignments in one class lets do this instead of those

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> F l u f f

Patton shook his head slightly. "Logan, I like you so much... But you deserve better than me, you really do." He said softly. They had been sitting there for a few minutes, just holding each other and relaxing. Logan held him tighter after he said that.

"Patton! Don't say that. You are amazing and wonderful and deserve the world. I'm just afraid I can't give you what you do deserve. I'm afraid that I'm not enough."

"Oh, Logie, you could never not be enough."

"And what if I'm too much?"

"You're perfect, Logan."

"You are too, Patton. I just wish you could see it."

"Logan... could we do this..? Could we be together?"

"I want to at least try."

"I do too. I really want to try."

"Then let's do it. Let's-" Logan was cut off by Patton kissing him, pulling away after a moment with a huge smile on his face. 

"This feels so right." Patton mumbled. He couldn't hold back the huge smile on his face. He kissed Logan again, for longer. Logan kissed back, and they were both smiling, barely even kissing as they just sat there, Patton holding Logan close and the two of them unable to hold back the joy that escaped in tiny giggles and wide smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tired and i listened to pattons playlist and i need some happy stuff so here


	19. the next comment will be comment 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> mentions of self harm

Virgil was _terrified. _He had never seen Logan cry before, and now he had. First Patton was depressed, now Logan cried. It was like the world was ending. All he had left was Roman, who was sitting next to him, both quiet.__

__"So Logan cried..." Roman said softly._ _

__"I'm freaking out, if I'm being honest. It's like the world turned upside down... Patton is sad all the time, Logan cries... I swear, everything I thought was normal is now just gone. I hate change, and here I am being surrounded by it. And it isn't even change for the better. It's Patton trying to kill himself and Logan hiding things from us and almost everyone in this damned house cutting themselves..."_ _

__"I don't cut myself, if that's worth anything..." Roman mumbled, trying to cheer up Virgil._ _

__"Roman, you are the one constant in my life if I'm being honest. I'm so glad that what we have, this friendship, it won't change." Virgil said. Roman wanted to start crying after Virgil said that, but wouldn't, for Virgil's sake, for the sake of the boy he was in love with._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please keep in mind it is long after midnight. I know the chapter is bad but im tired okay ;-;


	20. my ribs vs my binder (who will win)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW  
> mentions of self harm, panic attack, Remy says fuck

Virgil stood up and sighed. "I need a bit alone, Ro." He said softly. Roman nodded and watched as Virgil left the room. Virgil went to his room and shut the door, locking it. He slid to the floor, the urge to hurt himself overwhelming. He felt terrible for not being able to help all of his friends. The only escape from the panic that was slowly creeping up on him was hurting himself, or some breathing exercise. He started trembling as he dialed a number.

Emile was kissing Remy when his phone rang, pouting softly as he pulled away. He noticed who it was and answered. "Hey Virgil, what's up?" He asked, blushing softly as Remy kissed his cheek.

"What's that b-b-breathing thi-th-thing?" Virgil said.

"You mean the box breathing? In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four... Are you okay, Virgil..?" Emile frowned, worried. "Remy, give me a minute." He said softly to his boyfriend, who was trying to get Emile to look back at him.

"But Emile, we were in the middle of something.." Remy whined, pouting softly. "Guess I'll just kiss my Starbucks cup instead." He said, standing up to get coffee from their kitchen.

"O-oh sorry, Emile..." Virgil mumbled, hearing Remy.

"No, it's totally fine, Virgil. Remy is just happy I'm home, I had a lot of appointments today."

"A-are you sure..?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Now, the box breathing. Do I need to guide you through it?"

"No, I should be fine... Thank you, Emile." Virgil said.

"No problem." Emile said, happy to help. Virgil hung up, and Emile stood. He went to the kitchen and walked up behind Remy, wrapping his arms around Remy's waist and resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Wanna go cuddle?"

"Fuck yeah, coffee can wait." Remy said, smiling wide at the proposition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I include more of Emile and Remy?


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im keeping dee's name as damien, even though we know his name now.
> 
> TW  
> vague mentions of suicide

Virgil swore softly. He knew he fucked up. But looking at the hole in his wall, he knew he fucked up big time. More than usual. 

"Oh shit. Oh fuck. Um. ROMAN, CAN YOU COME HERE REALLY QUICKLY?" He called out. Roman was there in seconds, worried about Virgil. He looked around. For blood, for a noose or something, but when all he saw was a hole in the wall, he visibly relaxed.

"Virge, it's okay, we can fix the wall. For a moment, I was worried you had hurt yourself. That can't be fixed as easily." Roman said, hugging Virgil.

"I-i mean, my knuckles are bleeding a bit..." Virgil whispered, leaning into Roman slightly. He was slightly pink, flustered easily. Roman looked at Virgil's knuckles and used one hand to gently look at his hand. 

"Want me to clean you up, Virgil..?" Roman asked softly, holding back the urge to press a small kiss to Virgil's hand.

\-----------------------------------------

Damien smiled at his sleeping roommate. He had been hiding his feelings for so long, but living here he was allowed to express them. There was only one feeling he was still afraid to express. Love. Because he would have to call himself a liar if he ever said that every time he saw Remus he didn't feel those butterflies in his stomach, didn't understand those cheesy rom-coms. Maybe, in the future, Remus would be his. Maybe they would cuddle, maybe they would kiss, maybe they would do more. Maybe Damien would see Remus in a way he had only dreamed about. But all the thinking about the future was hurting his brain, so Damien looked back at Remus, who had fallen asleep with his head on Damien's lap, and just enjoyed the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys for not posting. at the beginning of may i ended up in the hospital due to suicidal ideations, and since then its been a mess of court and me trying to get away from my abuser.


End file.
